More like a raging sea

It's funny the way God works.

A few days ago I posted the chorus to one of my favorite songs by Mikeschair

"There's a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if you want them to
I will follow you, I will follow you"

I did this simply because the song came on the radio and I thought it was inspirational (for other people).

But it's funny the way God works.

I have a confession to make. I have a small overwhelming and sinful fear of cancer. Breast cancer, skin cancer, and as of recently, now lymphoma. A little over a year ago I was convinced I had breast cancer. I spent weeks sobbing over it, I was absolutely and inconsolably afraid. An ultrasound showed that the lump I thought was a tumor was just a normal mass of tissue.

Relief... temporarily.

Two days ago while showering I discovered that the lymph node in my left armpit felt swollen. Needless to say I have a doctors appointment on Monday, because I have once again allowed my fear of cancer and death to overwhelm me. I have visions of leaving my family, nightmares of my daughters growing up without a mother, never remembering me, not being able to see them take their first steps, tell me they love me for the first time, get married, have children of their own. I cry, and cry, and cry.

See, we all have a weakness, and Satan knows them, and he certainly knows this is mine. This is my most painful thorn in the flesh.

Here's the thing about that song, the chorus is filled with faith and courage, but here are the first two verses

"Don't know where to begin, it's like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear - Where do I go from here?

Sometimes it's so hard to pray when You feel so far away
But I am willing to go where you want me to - God, I trust You"

Hello, conviction, my name is Ashley.

I don't believe in coincidence, so the fact that I posted this song mere hours before it became my reality speaks volumes to my heart. God was preparing me for my personal storm before I even had any idea that the sky was darkening.

James 1:6 - But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.

Wave? No. This is more like a raging sea.

I don't know what's going to happen on Monday. I'm hoping and praying that the doctor will tell me that I am, once again, over-reacting. But this is life, so there is a chance that he might not. There is a chance that I will not hear what I'm praying to hear. Will I still so jovially proclaim that I will follow him into the rising water then? This is something that I am working on and praying about - would you, if you remember, keep me in your prayers as well?

Lord, how I want to confidently follow you into any storm! Strengthen my heart, increase my faith, for I know that those who ask with full faith in you will receive that which they have asked for.


(to be continued...)

Leading by example

This morning I was doing my daily devotions and I was in Genesis 22. You know the story; God wanted to test Abraham, so he told him to sacrifice his son, Isaac. The two traveled to Mount Moriah where Abraham built an alter and was about to offer his son to God, when an angel of the Lord stopped him. He had passed the test.

If you're anything like me you have heard this message time and time again - a message of faith and obedience. But today when I was reading, that's not what came to me. Now, I am convinced that Isaac knew exactly what was going on by the time they reached the mountain and built the alter. There is no word of a struggle, of Isaac trying to flee or of him pleading for his life with his father. No, I believe that Isaac was ready and willing to let his father sacrifice him. And this is what spoke to me. Did God talk to Isaac and tell him what he had commanded his father to do? That everything was going to be alright? Maybe. But, and this is only my personal theory, I don't really think so. I believe that Isaac's compliance came from the fact that he simply trusted his father to do God's will and what was best for him.

What a concept. I want that. I want to be so solid in my obedience to God, so blatent in my love for and service to him that my children would follow my lead, do as I say without question, because they fully and completely trust that I am doing God's will and what I believe is the best thing for them. I want them to trust me, even when they don't understand, when they can't see the point or the purpose - and it all starts with my obedience. Oh how I want to be an Abraham, not only in service to God, but in service to my children.