More like a raging sea

It's funny the way God works.

A few days ago I posted the chorus to one of my favorite songs by Mikeschair

"There's a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if you want them to
I will follow you, I will follow you"

I did this simply because the song came on the radio and I thought it was inspirational (for other people).

But it's funny the way God works.

I have a confession to make. I have a small overwhelming and sinful fear of cancer. Breast cancer, skin cancer, and as of recently, now lymphoma. A little over a year ago I was convinced I had breast cancer. I spent weeks sobbing over it, I was absolutely and inconsolably afraid. An ultrasound showed that the lump I thought was a tumor was just a normal mass of tissue.

Relief... temporarily.

Two days ago while showering I discovered that the lymph node in my left armpit felt swollen. Needless to say I have a doctors appointment on Monday, because I have once again allowed my fear of cancer and death to overwhelm me. I have visions of leaving my family, nightmares of my daughters growing up without a mother, never remembering me, not being able to see them take their first steps, tell me they love me for the first time, get married, have children of their own. I cry, and cry, and cry.

See, we all have a weakness, and Satan knows them, and he certainly knows this is mine. This is my most painful thorn in the flesh.

Here's the thing about that song, the chorus is filled with faith and courage, but here are the first two verses

"Don't know where to begin, it's like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear - Where do I go from here?

Sometimes it's so hard to pray when You feel so far away
But I am willing to go where you want me to - God, I trust You"

Hello, conviction, my name is Ashley.

I don't believe in coincidence, so the fact that I posted this song mere hours before it became my reality speaks volumes to my heart. God was preparing me for my personal storm before I even had any idea that the sky was darkening.

James 1:6 - But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.

Wave? No. This is more like a raging sea.

I don't know what's going to happen on Monday. I'm hoping and praying that the doctor will tell me that I am, once again, over-reacting. But this is life, so there is a chance that he might not. There is a chance that I will not hear what I'm praying to hear. Will I still so jovially proclaim that I will follow him into the rising water then? This is something that I am working on and praying about - would you, if you remember, keep me in your prayers as well?

Lord, how I want to confidently follow you into any storm! Strengthen my heart, increase my faith, for I know that those who ask with full faith in you will receive that which they have asked for.


(to be continued...)

There's no such thing as Happily Ever After

That's the lesson that we intentionally try to impart upon our daughters, isn't it? Life is not a fairy tale, there will be heartbreak, disappointment, and tribulations that we all go through, we need want to establish realistic expectations with our children. Because surely this is not something that they will learn on their own, right?

But what if that really is doing them a disservice? This is not to say we need to fill their heads with notions of whirlwind romances that result in effortless marriages, but hear me out.

A mother tells her daughter that Prince Charming's do not exist, men are not really like that, life is hard and unfair and she should get used to being disappointed by them and everyone else. You cannot rely on anyone but yourself, and you MUST on all accounts put yourself and your best interests first. I've heard all those things, many times, from many different people. We are jading God's beautiful invention from the word go. This little girl who grows up hearing this has a preconceived notion of men - that they are ALL faulted, they are ALL going to disappoint you, they are ALL horribly imperfect, they are ALL lazy, they are ALL selfish, they are ALL pigs, on and on. So she lowers her standards. She accepts things because she believes that is just the way it is. She settles, because Prince Charming does not exist.

She carries this mentality through her relationships, the memories of being told all about how lazy and dumb and thoughtless men are, constantly guiding her actions and words. Her decisions are self-serving because she believes she cannot rely on a man to provide her with anything. The man in this relationship feels emasculated, disrespected, unnecessary.

Or it goes the other direction. She allows herself to be mistreated, she puts up with inappropriate behavior, she feels unappreciated and commonplace, but she endures because there's no such thing as a happily ever after, this is just the way life is.

But it's not, it doesn't have to be, and we should not convince our daughters that it is! Let them believe that there is a Prince out there for them, because there is! Before she was even born, God laid out a plan for her, including a man who will LOVE her and HONOR her and treat her like a PRINCESS! I know a handful of couples like this, and it's not a charade. Do they have hard times? Yes! They know that marriage takes work, but they know that with God it is beautiful, it is holy, it is sacred.

Teach your daughters to hold herself in such high esteem that she will not accept anything less than to be treated like a princess. Teach her that it is okay to wait for someone that fulfills Godly standards. Teach her that life is not perfect, but there is someone out there who was made perfectly for her. Instead of painting a shadow over God's perfect design, illuminate it. Tell her about how wonderful it can be if she waits for God 's timing. Teach her that men are made in God's image, that we are all flawed, but that with the Lord's help she will find a man that she can rely on, a man she can depend on, a man who can walk with her through this life as a loving partner and equal. Not someone above her, and not someone below.

The world is harsh enough, and sadly our daughters will eventually know disappointment and heartache without our help. So counter it. Encourage them to believe in redemption, in forgiveness, in perseverance - that is to say, encourage them to believe in true love.

On prioritizing priorities

I will very willingly reluctantly admit that the internet is by and large my biggest time waster. It is the enemy to my productivity and my constant vice, to the point that it's almost an addiction. Being constantly accessible is more or less the theme of our generation, and technology is a good thing, but it is probably definitely a distraction; and like all things when not controlled in moderation - it can be a tool of the enemy's. I am constantly putting off my Christian and wifely duties in lieu of the internet. Between Facebook, the Disney message boards (yes, I am a Disney dork!), Blogger, and Yahoo, I spend nearly every free second indulging in the vastness that is the world wide web, and it's starting to become an issue.

There are days when I forget to even look in the general direction of my bible to do my devotionals - but you can be sure I will be accessing Facebook from my phone mere seconds after I wake up and turn off my alarm. There are dishes to be done, but the twins just went down for a nap and I need to catch up on my emails, so they will have to wait. And wait. And wait. Until my husband does them for me, which spurs me to get off of the computer (temporarily) and help. This is not how it should be.

I am very proud of being a stay at home mom/wife, and don't get me wrong, I do work hard during the day. I take care of infant twins by myself from the time my husband leaves for work until he gets home, and then we share the duties until bed. I don't know if you've ever had twins - or even one baby - but it is a demanding job. So demanding, I tell myself, that when I manage to get them to sleep at the same time, that I deserve a break. Ah, my downfall.

So today I realized it was time to re-prioritize my, well, priorities. I am a creature of habit in that I do not like to create new habits nor deviate from my well established ones - but this week I am going to do just that. For the next 7 days I have decided that each night I am going to make a list of the things I need to get done the next day - devotions, bills, cleaning, etc. and I am going to abstain from the internet entirely until that list is completely checked off. If that means that I don't get to the computer all day, so be it. I imagine this will be liken to breaking an addiction - because at it's core that's really what it is. I'm hoping by the end of this weekly challenge that getting my tasks done will come more naturally and I won't have to restrict myself so severely, but we'll see.

What about you? Do you have a "time waster" that's standing in your way of reaching your full productivity potential? If so, how do you deal with it? Please share!

Brown Sugar Glazed, Bacon Wrapped, Stuffed Pork Tenderloin

Or, as I call it, Pork Three Ways!

Pork Tenderloin is easily one of my favorite meats to work with. It easily adapts to any flavor - sweet, spicy, savory, you name it - when you cook it properly it's melt in your mouth tender, and if you're a savvy shopper you can usually get them in packs of 4 for the cost of one steak. This time I went for sweet and salty - probably my favorite combination. If you try this, please let me know how it turns out!

Ingredient list:
Pork tenderloin
1/2 a loaf of bread (or store bought bread cubes)
2 Sausage links
Green apple
Onion
Garlic cloves
Dried Cranberries
Chicken broth
Bacon
Brown sugar
Salt
Pepper
Italian Seasoning
Garlic powder
Onion powder
Poultry seasoning
Grapeseed oil

Starting with stuffing - if you are not using store bought bread cubes, preheat your oven to 325, then take half a loaf of bread and cut it into 1/2 inch cubes and arrange on a cookie sheet. Drizzle/spritz with oil, then sprinkle with salt, pepper, onion and garlic seasonings, poultry seasoning (optional), and italian seasonings. Put into the oven for about 15 - 20 minutes or until the bread is baked and firm.

Remove two sausage links from their casing and cook in a hot skillet until done. Remove and let it rest for 5 - 10 minutes.

Peel and grate 1 tart green apple, dice 1 onion, three garlic cloves, and set aside 1/2 a cup of dried cranberries. You can also add 1/2 a cup of chopped pecans, I didn't for this recipe but I plan to next time I make this!

Add all the ingredients to a hot skillet on medium heat with a turn or two of oil and a pinch of salt and pepper until onions are softened.

Chop the sausage into small bits and add to the onion mix.

Next, add the bread cubes to the mix and pour in a can of chicken broth, then turn the flame to low and cover with a lid.

Meanwhile, get your pork tenderloin and slice it almost in half long ways - stopping about 1/2 an inch shy of cutting through. Drizzle with a little bit of grapeseed (or your oil of choice), cover with a sheet of plastic wrap, and pound with a meat hammer until about 1/2 an inch thick. Season with a little salt and pepper. At this point you're going to check your stuffing mix - make sure that the bread cubes are moist throughout now - if they still seem crunchy add 1/2 a can more of chicken broth and stir well, replace the lid and check in five minutes. Repeat as often as necessary. Once it's ready, spoon the stuffing mix onto the pork loin.

Now roll the loin tightly and set with the seam side down. At this point, to make it easier on yourself, you can place the loin in whatever you plan to bake it in (I recommend something with a higher edge, since this will release a fair amount of juice). Mix about 1/2 a cup of brown sugar with 1/3 a cup of water and microwave (or melt in a pan on the stove, if you prefer) until it's a thin glaze consistency. Spread a small amount over the loin (the bits you see in the picture are pieces of cracked pepper).

Wrap the loin in bacon, tucking each end of bacon under the loin, then cover with the rest of the brown sugar glaze. Make sure all the bacon is covered with the glaze - make more if you need to.

(I ran out of bacon by the 2nd one, but the loin should be covered more like the bottom one looks - from end to end)

Bake in your oven at 350 until an instant read thermometer reaches 145 degrees. If you don't have a thermometer (I strongly recommend you get one!!) you can go by the rule of 20-25 minutes per lb of meat (ie. 2 lb roast - 40 - 50 minutes). Just be careful, a stuffed roast will not take as long to cook as a solid one, and will dry out faster, but you do not want undercooked pork! Remove pork from oven and cover with aluminum foil for about 15 minutes (temperature of pork should continue to rise about 10 degrees).

Then slice into medallions and serve with your choice of sides!

I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!